Understanding the Commonality of Seeking Comfort in On-and-Off Relationships

I'm here to deshamify feeling comfort in an on-and-off relationship.

I'm not going to talk about how to end an on-and-off relationships because it is such a common thing and I feel like it's seen as such a bad thing when it doesn't have to be.

That cycle works for some people. It is something that some struggle to talk about and have shame about. There are so many valid reasons to be in that type of relationship. Whatever reason you have for being in that cycle, it is VALID.

An on-again off-again relationship is a relationship that is in a cycle of breaking up and reconciling over and over again. It can be a confusing, frustrating and messy situation to some. To others it's exactly what works for them. Being in a high and low, on and off, together and apart relationship can take a toll on our mental health. It is both thrilling and scary, destabilizing like a rollercoaster. We might find ourselves creating these on-and-off relationships and cycles due to...

• History: There's connection and chemistry and familiarity. Even though it didn't work out, there's still something there that drew you to each other in the first place. It is tempting to re-explore what you had, thinking maybe you can do it better this time around. It is natural to not like change and since there's history it makes sense to want to get back to something you know. This takes me to my next point...
  

• Accessibility and comfortability: Dating is time consuming and unpredictable. You know what it's like with your ex and that might be comfortable to you to know what to expect even when you know it won't work. Predictability is comfortable and feels safe, no surprises.
  

• Lack of communication: With a lack of communication, it's easy to see breaking up as the only way out of an obstacle or issue. Only after the break up, when realizing what you could've talked about and worked through, you see that you can actually work through it and end up reconciling.
  

• Inability to move on: Moving on is not easy, especially if you're not over your ex-partner. Going back to them may feel and be easier for you than to try to move on.
  

• Control: Having an on-and-off relationship can give some a sense of control in a part of their life in a world where they feel they may not have much control. Even though it's a rollercoaster, the fact that you have the control to choose when to get on and when to get off the ride feels safe.
  

• Boredom: Being bored can push you to break up, to shake things up a bit. Being bored can also lead you to getting back together wether you do it consciously or unconsciously.

I'm here to say that these reasons are normal and that you're not alone, evil or a bad person for doing this. Heck, I have been in on-and-off relationships. It's more common than you think. It's your choice if you want to keep it this way or if you want to stop being in that cycle. You may need some assistance, if it's something you've been doing a while, to get out of that habit.

With love,

Aude.