The People-Pleasing Puzzle: Understanding the Motivations and Consequences

What is people pleasing?

There is a difference between people pleasing and being nice, people pleasing is the urge to make someone else happy or make their lives easier at the expense of your own well-being, boundaries and values.

Some signs that you might be a people pleaser:

• You have a hard time saying "no" and you feel guilty when you do.

• Sorry is a common word in your vocabulary. You accept the blame and feel the need to apologize for things that are not your fault. You feel responsible for how other people feel.

• You'll engage in self-destructive behavior when you think it'll benefit someone else.

• You're a social chameleon. You act like the people around you so that you fit in and they like you.

• You worry about what other people might think of you. You have a big fear of being considered mean or selfish. Your self-worth depends on what other people think of you.

• You want to avoid conflict at all cost. You seek others' approval. To get their approval you're willing to compromise your values and your own boundaries.

• You cross your own boundaries and limits at your expense for others

• You're a giver. You give and give wether it's your time, money, energy or physical gifts.

• You are very agreeable. You agree to things you don’t like, believe in and do things you don’t want to do.

• You don't make time for self-care but you'll make time to help other people. You neglect your own needs in order to do things for others.

• You are empathetic and you attune to other people's feels better than your own. You dismiss your own feeling as you feel they may not be as important at other people's feelings. You might say that you're fine even when you're not, to avoid inconveniencing them. You feel pressure to look cheerful and nice at all times.

• You are an overachiever, you overcommit to plans, responsibilities, or projects.

Why do I people please?

There are different causes to people pleasing. Some include:

• Low self-esteem

• Anxiety

• Codependency

• Your past traumas and experiences

• The environment, the culture you were raised in or are currently in and socialization

• Wether your needs were considered to be important by the people around you, growing up, or not.

What effect can people pleasing have on me?

• Depleted of energy, tiredness

• Experiencing stress, anxiety and being overwhelmed

• People may take advantage of your urge to people-please.

• Resentment and frustration

• Neglect of your own needs

• Lack of sense of identity

• Feeling like you're lacking control

How to stop people pleasing?

• Establish boundaries with yourself. Kindness is a very desirable trait but it cannot be at your own expense. Help when these three things are true: they asked for help, you want to help, AND you're able to help without sacrificing your own well-being and needs. Your voice matters, your needs matter. Practice not apologizing when it's not your fault. All skills take practice to make progress. Don't beat yourself up if you still find yourself people pleasing and don't see the progress overnight. It's be hard to make a big and sudden change, for the change to be sustainable, take it slow. Start by saying no to smaller asks or maybe by text. Work your way up to saying no in person and ask for something that you need. Ooo, I know this may be hard. But, babe, you have needs too and they matter! It's important to be able voice your own needs unapologetically. This does not mean you have to stop doing good things. Although it is important to be able to do them on your own terms without doing it at the expense of your well-being. It might take people time to realize that you're not allowing people to ask whatever they want and whenever they want from you. Be clear, set boundaries with them too.
  

• Establish boundaries with others. It's important to know your limits and to communicate those to others. Saying "no" is enough, avoid making excuses as to why you're not willing or able to do what is asked of you. By giving them an excuse , you are giving them the ability to find a loophole to either guilt trip you into turning your "no" into a "yes" or to find a solution to that excuse so that you can still help them. Say it with confidence, "no", "I can't do that", "I can't help with that", "I'd love to help but I can't", "not today", "I won't be able to take that on". I'm not saying don't ever say "yes"! Just, before you say yes, pause and ask yourself what you're sacrificing. Is this something you really want to do? Do you have the time and energy to do it? Are they taking advantage of your generosity? Would they reciprocate if you asked this of them? If you need more time to evaluate the pros and cons of taking that on, tell them, "let me think about it", "I need to think about this", "I can't commit to that today, I'll think about it". Be clear and specific about what you're willing and not willing to help with, do and take on as well as how much time you need and what your conditions are for doing so.
  

• Affirmations and positive self-talk If you start to feel stressed, overwhelmed, like you are guilt tripping and tempted to cave, sacrificing your boundaries, remind yourself that: - You deserve to have time for yourself. - You are allowed to not be able to or want to help. - Your needs are not less important than their needs. - Your well-being is important. - You are allowed to prioritize yourself. - You have a choice and that choice is valid.
  

If you struggle with people pleasing, setting boundaries or prioritizing yourself, you may want to seek professional support. You can reach out to a coach, like myself, or a therapist so that you can work on overcoming these obstacles and achieving your goals. YOUR VOICE AND NEEDS MATTER.

With Love,

Aude.