The Power of Boundaries: Lovingly Establishing Limits for Emotional Well-being

First things first, what are boundaries? Boundaries are guidelines, personal limits, on how we allow others to treat us and do to us to help us feel comfortable and safe around them.

Setting boundaries is something that a lot of people struggle with. Boundaries are tough to set and keep for many reasons. Setting boundaries can be scary because we don't want to lose that connection. The fear, that if we put down boundaries may cause us to lose that person or make our loved one upset, is valid. Your fear is valid babe. Boundaries don't have to be set in stone, they may change over time, some may be flexible and some are strict boundaries. That is OK!

Why do we have boundaries? We have and set boundaries because we want to feel safe and be able to be comfortable in our connection with someone. If you're uncomfortable or feeling unsafe it's so hard to have a deep connection with them.

Rachel Levesque, Somatica Certified Sex and Relationship Coach, once shared with a dear Somatica Institute small group I was a part of that "boundaries are a gift that keeps you connected to me without losing myself in the process of deepening connection." It is just so well worded.

How do I set boundaries lovingly?

Boundaries are often seen as distancing. I want to challenge you to not see it as distancing yourself from someone but to explore looking at it as a way to be able to make deeper connections and taking care of yourself in the process. It's important to understand that when you start setting boundaries it should be considered just like learning any new skills.

Just like any skill, it takes practice. It's not going to be perfect, it's not going to be comfortable. It's normal, you're learning.

New shoes? You're likely to get blisters

First time walking in heels? You're likely to wobble or twist your ankle.

First time playing guitar? your fingers will most likely hurt.

Learning something new is uncomfortable, it's normal. Practice, practice, practice.

Practice makes perfect? Nah, but practice makes progress. With practice, you can go from struggling in those heels to being able to heels being your everyday shoes. With practice, you can make setting boundaries your bitch.

• Identify where boundaries are needed. You can do this with you partner, friend, family member, whoever you want. How do I know where my boundaries are? You can identify a boundary when you feel uncomfortable. Follow your gut, that feeling in your throat and that tightness in your neck and shoulders.Your body is telling you that you're uncomfortable, that something that's happening doesn't feel safe or feels yucky.

• Are they crossing your emotional or physical boundaries?

• Now, how do I communicate and set that boundary lovingly? Once you've identified when your boundaries are being crossed, you can put it into words. Expressing how it would help your relationship, if they followed that boundary, is a great way to show your partner, friend, or family member that you need this boundary to be respected because you DON'T want to lose them.

• Examples: "I feel more connected to you when you ask me if I'm in the right headspace before you offload about your day, I don't always have the energy or bandwidth for it" "I feel closer to you when you ask for my consent before trying something new in bed" "I feel more comfortable around you when you don't show up announced" "I feel safer around you when you don't drink alcohol around me."

Setting boundaries lovingly may not always be what works in your situation. This post is meant to educate people who want to be able to set boundaries lovingly.

With Love,

Aude.