Navigating Relationships and Sex in Interabled Connections as the Fully-Abled Partner.

Realizing that I had a disability was a huge step in my life. Once I processed and embraced this new information, I realized the next step was to explore how I could be in a relationship and enjoy sex without compromising my health and safety. It has been a sometimes difficult and always beautiful process. I had to relearn how my body feels and moves and I needed to accept and adapt to the new dynamics of my relationship to my body. Going through this process myself made me realize how passionate I am about helping my community - the differently abled community - have the relationships and sex life we all deserve.

Unfortunately, people with disabilities are portrayed as being romantically and sexually uninterested, unavailable or undatable. People with disabilities can absolutely be sexual and enjoy sex! Sex and relationships are personalized to each individual, there are no two relationships that are the same. When entering a relationship of any kind, communication is necessary to find out what people want and need as well as their boundaries and limits.

Here are some tips I've put together for navigating relationship and sex when your partner has a disability.

Wether your partner has a visible or invisible, physical or mental disability, it is important to ...

• ...not make assumptions about what they are capable of and not capable of.

• ...gauge empathetically how comfortable your partner is about talking about their abilities and disabilities.

• ...recognize that not all disabilities are visible and all disabilities are valid.

• ...remember that they are not defined by their disability, their disability is not their entire personality.

• ...avoid infantilizing an adult with disabilities. It is a form of ableism and can cause some serious emotional damage, not to mention damage to the relationship.

• ...educate yourself on their disability and remember that whatever you read and research, you do not know more about their condition than your partner and their doctors.

• ...ask them how you can support them (this does not mean that you have to do all of it!)

• ...not put pressure on yourself about becoming a caretaker - it is not your job! Do what you can and want to do and don't forget to take care of yourself. Set and respect your own boundaries and needs. Remember, you have your own needs as well. I see partners and loved ones losing themselves and burning out in the care taking role as they forget their own basic human needs.

• ...instead of focusing on all the things you can't do together, focus on things you CAN do.

• ...realize that they may need to change the plans, reschedule or even cancel plans. Wether they're too fatigued, overwhelmed, in pain, triggered or anxious, they might cancel to take care of themselves. IT'S NOT PERSONAL. They want to see you, just when they feel better and are able to be fully present with you and not preoccupied with something else.

• ...just like with any partner it's important to talk about what works for them sex wise and talking about needs, likes, dislikes, consent and boundaries.

• ...realize that sex may require some planning and creativity. It may take some patience to go through trial and error to find what works for everyone involved.

• ...realize that there's nothing wrong with needing and using some assistance in your relationship and your sex life.

• ...remember sex is not just about "smashing genitals." Depending on your partner’s abilities, sex may not be what one would call "traditional sex." As you can read about in my Let's Debunk Some Sex Myths Together blog, sex comes in many forms. Some examples of different ways to express sexual feelings are massaging, kissing, licking, sucking, pinching, biting, rubbing, sexy talk, erotic breathing and so much more.

One size DOES NOT fit all. There is no "right way" to have a relationship or to have sex. It's important to explore and find what works for YOU.

With love,

Aude.

Recommended reading:

The Ultimate Guide To Sex and Disability, by Miriam Kaufman, Cory Silverberg and Fran Odette.