Navigating Relationships and Sex in Interabled Connections as Someone with Disabilities.

Just a year and a half ago, I developed a handicap. I had a hard time accepting it and seeing how I could be in a healthy happy relationship without losing my sexual self. Guess what though, I'm doing it and you can too!

Realizing that I had a disability was a huge step in my life. Once I processed and embraced this new information, I realized the next step was to explore how I could be in a relationship and enjoy sex without compromising my health and safety. It has been a sometimes difficult and always beautiful process. I had to relearn how my body feels and moves and I needed to accept and adapt to the new dynamics of my relationship to my body. Going through this process myself made me realize how passionate I am about helping my community - the differently abled community - have the relationships and sex life we all deserve.

Unfortunately, people with disabilities are portrayed as being romantically and sexually uninterested, unavailable or undatable. We can absolutely be sexual and enjoy sex! Sex and relationships are personalized to each individual, there are no two relationships that are the same. When entering a relationship of any kind, communication is necessary to find out what people want and need as well as their boundaries and limits.

Here are some tips I've put together for navigating relationship and sex when you have a disability.

Wether you have a visible or invisible, physical or mental disability, it is important to...

• ...identify how comfortable you are sharing details about your disability. You don't have to tell or explain your disabilities in every detail or at all to anyone.

• ...learn how to talk about your disability. Fancy medical terms are great but can you explain your condition is simpler terms to someone who may have never heard of it?

• ...understand that not everyone may understand your handicap. They may ask you to remind or re-explain it to them. It's not that they didn't listen, they care and want to understand what is going on.

• ...be able to explain to them how your handicap affects your everyday life and how it may affect your relationship.

• ...share your concerns with your partner. Do you have concerns about how your disabilities may affect your relationship, sex life or your partner? Share those concerns with your partner. They may have the same concerns. They may alleviate your concerns. Communication is key, don't let those concerns locked up.

• ...set boundaries!!! If you have a wheelchair and prefer to push it by yourself, let them know. If you have boundaries on wether or not you want them to disclose your handicap to others, let them know. If you take pills and you don't want they to ask you constantly if you've taken them, let them know. If you don't like being constantly asked if you're ok, let them know. If you don't want them to constantly ask you if you're having a flare up as soon as a symptom shows up, babe... you know what I'm about to say right? LET THEM KNOW. You get the gist. Set those boundaries.

• ...listen to your body! Listen to your own boundaries. It's easy to feel pressured to hang out or have sex or go on a date when you've already made plans to. It can be harmful to not listen to our limits. YOU CAN RESCHEDULE. YOU CAN CANCEL. If you're too fatigued, overwhelmed, in pain, triggered or anxious it is OK to cancel. It's OK to take care of yourself! It's hard to be present in the moment with your sweetie if you're preoccupied with something else.

• ...understand that different people take a different amount of time to process information.

• ...instead of only focusing on all the things you can't do together, focus on things you CAN do.

• ...be able to express what you might need from them, assistance wise, so that they know what to expect and if that is something they are able to and want to do.

• ...pay attention to the emotional effects on your partner. Talk openly with your partner about this. They may feel guilt over not feeling like a good partner because they can't help more than they do. They may feel overwhelmed or stressed.

• ...just like in any partnerships it's important to talk about what works for you sex wise and talking about needs, likes, dislikes, consent and boundaries.

• ...realize that sex may require some planning and creativity. It may take some patience to go through trial and error to find what works for everyone involved.

• ...realize that there's nothing wrong with needing and using some assistance in your relationship and with sex life.

• ...remember sex is not just about "smashing genitals." Depending on your and your partner’s abilities, sex may not be what one could call traditional sex. As you can read about in my Let's Debunk Some Sex Myths Together blog, sex comes in many forms. Some examples of different ways to express sexual feelings are massaging, kissing, licking, sucking, pinching, biting, rubbing, sexy talking, erotic breathing and so much more.

One size DOES NOT fit all. There is no "right way" to have a relationship or to have sex. It's important to explore and find what works for YOU.

With Love,

Aude.

Recommended reading:

The Ultimate Guide To Sex and Disability, by Miriam Kaufman, Cory Silverberg and Fran Odette.